Stop the self-denial, start something better.

17:57pm

Today, whilst sipping my after-dinner fennel tea, a new realization came upon me, totally foreign to my original patterns of thought: Self discipline is less about denial and more about satisfaction. Or contentment would be another appropriate word for the definition.



I have lived the days of dogged-denial and I remember distinctly, if nothing else, the way I felt waking up in the morning and the way I felt going to sleep. The exhaustion, the burn-out, the intense desire to not continue anymore, and then just falling into the routine and hoping the routine would keep me going.

And it did.

It did for a while and I became known as the most-self-disciplined person in my friend group. It was a rather notorious fame, notorious because I disliked it so much, fame because it seemed impossible to others. And that was only my schedule, then there was everything that I consumed, whether it be music, movies, food, or literature, I was the most disciplined consumer (from what I thought), and made choices based on strict standards that had no bending points, only breaking points. I was on my way to quickly becoming a Godly woman. Or so I thought.

I have no regrets from the time, yet looking back now I can see how those rigid ways of living life led me to times of feeling an absolute lack of volition. Even worse, once those days were over with, there was no ability to turn away and deny myself of things I had so long shunned. It’s a rather simple principle seen in every sector of life, for example, people who do restrictive diets tend to diminish their caloric intake to such a degree that, if and when they reach their breaking point, they turn right around and binge in a way that negates all the progress they had attempted to make.

Stopping after starting is hard when you’ve stopped yourself for such an unbearable amount of time.

I believe this is also seen in many young Christians who, upon reaching a point of throwing off the restrictions they feel were placed upon them as a child, turn to all that they once fearlessly denied so that they might indulge in all the prohibited.

Now, I have thankfully not had such an extreme experience. I have a relationship with my Creator, there is a firm understanding that such “rules” are His best for me, though I will not at all deny the existence of many moments when my obedience to such commandments has either been begrudging or in fact, nonexistent.

Yet if none of us are perfect, what is most important? That we do all according to the Law (which is impossible), and die inside because we feel reliant upon our own selves for our salvation? or that we run, sometimes walk, at times stumble, in the direction of the Savior, acknowledging our desperate attempts at righteousness are mere failures in comparison to His glory?

I choose the latter. I can live no other way.

Bringing it back to self-discipline, I have found these past two weeks I have been able to engage in a certain level of self-discipline that has truly helped me stay sane. I’m seeing it exercised in many, many areas right now, but one simple example (and very common for the average college student), is stress eating.

I am a common culprit of this crime, though I have a theory that it’s a natural response to stress since our ancestors the cavemen would need to binge eat in times of stress since they required extra energy for facing the battle (usually a pack of dinosaurs). No, that’s not really what I believe, I literally just made that up while writing. But hey, who knows?! The idea is that it is quite normal and expected during stress (read: nursing school), yet it makes me feel quite bleh and usually means I didn’t follow a balanced diet throughout the day.

I don’t know what happened, but I just decided enough was enough and since then, I have worked towards being satisfied rather than being denied. It truly is all about how you frame things sometimes...I can think of it as saying “no” to sweets and treats, or I can think of it as saying “yes” to being content with a cup of tea, with a non-sugary option if I truly am hungry, or simply saying “yes” to knowing that in a few hours I’ll be glad I didn’t. This partially came about because of having difficulties sleeping.

Insomnia was so awful that it made me kick coffee and most sugary things out of my day. Since then I have had minimal to no problems with falling asleep. It makes such a huge difference.

I have this idea that I am far more stressed than I ever acknowledge. I always pondered desperately over every breakout, every extra hair that would fall out and every night I couldn’t breathe because that became a normal stress response for me, as if I had no idea why it was happening. And now I see why: stress. Whether or not I feel the stress consciously, it is there. And while I haven’t been able to change any of the major stressors in my life, I have modified the areas that I can, mostly diet and sleep, which has gone a long way.

Other things have helped as well: sharing with friends, exercising, resting, and lots of herbal tea.

But all of this has led to the conclusion that sustainable self-discipline is far more rewarding and far more enjoyable than I ever believed, because it is actually practicing gratitude in our daily lives: I am thankful for this, I am satisfied with it.

When I am desperate to move on to more exciting parts of my life I must take a moment to be thankful, to choose contentment with the moment, even if it not seem as incredible as others I have known or will know.

It’s a very different way for me to think and I can say that I quite like it. Granted, I would have implemented this way of living a long time ago, but I suppose this is the result of trial and error more than anything else, so I’ll be satisfied with that.