the year of 2019
I have hardly written here in this space, or any other to be honest. Around the switch of the year, I tend to reflect and think about all the things that happened in the past 365 days, yet that did not happen for me this time for one simple reason: the day before New Years Eve, I found out something that would change all of the coming year...and in fact, all the rest of the years of my life.
But first, to not overshadow the events of this past year, here is a quick summary:
January 5th, 2019: I was drinking a piña colada with dark ocean waves crashing nearby, slightly peeved because it was our special date and my boyfriend would not stop using his phone. He seemed to be in a different dimension. It went from that moment to being totally enveloped in surprise, ecstasy, and joy. He knelt down, everyone cheered and applauded, and I said yes. I swung my arms around his neck and didn't even look at the ring ´til 15 minutes later.
In between January and April, we began the construction of our house. When I came down in April, the foundation was built and it had walls, a roof, and six dogs living in it.
April 9th: had my hair and makeup done and my best friend accompanying me from Colorado. I was all dressed up in a white gown and had no shoes whatsoever planned for the moment so I slipped on what I had been wearing all day: brown sandals that I have always called my "Jesus shoes". In that outfit, I stood next to my fiancé, felt the weight of the moment upon my shoulders, and said "Acepto." That day, I became Mrs. Laíne.
We spent our first 19 days as man and wife in his bedroom at his parent's house. I do not regret that and have no bad memories surrounding the arrangement (though I do have some comical memories), but as a general rule of thumb I would not recommend it. As soon as I left, construction commenced on our house once more. It was completed in July and painted baby blue with white accents and sunflowers. My dream home.
Meanwhile, my summer in New York had its ups and downs. I struggled with knowing I was married but feeling like nothing had changed. I struggled with others who lived 24/7 with their loved ones, till I let go of that anger and began living much more abundantly by trusting that God orchestrates everyone's life differently and there is no reason mine ought to be like so-and-so's.
August 6th: I moved down to the Dominican Republic into my new home and finally spent the longest amount of consecutive time with my husband. We celebrated our birthdays together, learned how to run a small business, had a lot of fun despite some of the difficulties of adjusting to being physically together all the time, and said a sad yet hopeful "farewell" once again on October 31st.
The month of November: I lived with Colleen, my best friend and co-worker at Arnot. Met and cared for many incredible people, one of whom became like a father to me. Was able to wittness so many special moments, and so many hard moments too. Enjoyed the girl-time which helped ease my sorrow over not being with my husband. She and I did hilarious things, like get stuck in a snow drift at 4am on our way to the gym before work. Or stay up late laughing about some of the craziest things. I was reminded of how greatly I love my job, but worked so much overtime that I was exhausted when I left.
December 9th: I arrived in the Dominican Republic. Within my first few days of being there, I gave a presentation on the Role of the Family in the Prevention of Adolescent Pregnancy (as a final project for my community health nursing course). Despite everything going well, I felt disgruntled at first. Money was bothering me, our upcoming wedding celebration was taking a lot out of me and our truck was giving us problems. I learned to see money as a tool, understood what "enough" is and was grateful for what we have which cannot be taken away, nor bought with money.
December 9th-29th: I had a lot of fun celebrating Christmas, enjoyed the holiday season, baked a pumpkin pie (something no one down there had ever tried before) and taught them how to dispense whipped cream from the can. I learned how to dance Bachata and began experiencing the strangest mood swings I had ever known. For being with the person I most love and doing happy, non-stressful things, I felt so extremely depressed, stressed, and unhappy. It was not rare for me to break out into tears frequently. I told my Mom at one point how I was feeling and she said, "Sounds like me when I was first pregnant." My next period was a week and a half away. Figured I was in a funk and chalked pregnancy up to being impossible.
Text message to Holly on December 20th:
"I CANNOT BE PREGNANT. Not now."
Something inside me felt irked, so I eliminated the message and sent a new one:
"I am sure I am overreacting, but it just really is not the time for me to be pregnant, and besides, it would be impossible to be feeling something so early on. I must be PMSing."
December 30th: Went to Santo Domingo to see a car dealer. Every single thing about that morning and afternoon made me angry or want to cry. I could not figure myself out. I began to feel psychotic and wondered if a mental disorder was about to unveil itself within my mind. I said "sorry" continuously and was so scared.
5:00pm on December 30th, my husband was at the mechanic and I was home alone. I cried (I was extremely distressed and did not know why). I called a friend and had him take me to a nearby pharmacy where I bought two pregnancy tests. Felt dizzy. Got back home, shut myself in the bathroom and got one line.
Figured I must be turning into a sociopath.
But as I was cleaning up, the one line turned into two lines. I felt like the wind had been taken out of my lungs. Incredulous, I cried for two minutes, thanked Jesus, afterall--it was proof I was not losing my mind--collected myself and exited the bathroom. Don was downstairs so I texted him and told him to come up. I was so nervously fidgeting that I finally sat down and simply waited.
He saw me sitting at the table and sat next to me. I could not say a word, I simply burst into tears. After many unsuccessful attempts (and successfully scaring my husband), I finally spit it out and once he understood, he pulled me into a bear hug and began petting my hair, soothing me and saying,
"I am so happy, you don't know how much I wanted a baby." Joy seeped out of his voice, "This is the best way to end the year."
So that is why I never reflected on the year until now, because from that moment on, I entered a whole new world.
This world was scary at first. My emotions, though explained, continued to collide with everyday moments and make me uncomfortable. I had always wanted a child, but sometimes, when you receive the thing you have always wanted, you feel strange in having it and no longer yearning for it or dreaming about "one day when I am pregnant," because that one day is now.
I doubted my pregnancy for a good many weeks. In fact, it was not till I heard the heart beat, (despite day-long nausea, heart burn, and food aversions), that I finally believed. I had convinced my husband that the baby had passed away inside of me, even though there was no blood, no pain, I simply knew all the results on Google pointed to miscarriage (the mind does strange things). I laid there, looking up at the ceiling in that cramped, dimmed room, smiling: it is real. My baby's heart pounded with such strength, it seemed to defy me and all my fears, showing he or she existed whether or not I was ready for it. It demolished every shred of doubt that had crowded my mind.
We left the ultrasound room as transformed people. I nuzzled my head into Don Peter's chest and told him how happy I was. He was glowing so much he could have been our source of electricity for a whole day. I walked excitedly into my MIL's living room, pulling the photos out of the envelope and saying, "Mira nuestro bebé!"
****************************April 2020**********************
Since I wrote this way back in January, I had no idea what 2020 was going to hold. But neither had I known what 2019 was going to hold that ocean-filled night when I accepted Don Peter's proposal to a life together. Together right now looks different, but we are and will never stop fighting for this love. A love made so much stronger by the life we have made both literally and figuratively.
When I left him in February, a strange premonition haunted me, saying we would be apart much longer than we had expected. I chalked it up to anxiety and emotions, but looking back, I realized it prepared me in some ways. Yet without fail, our little one remains valiant, vigilant, intrepid, and determined. She won't stop moving or growing simply because everyone else has stopped life as we knew it to be. She continues to defy the system, continues to defy my fears and continues to surmount every obstacle that comes our way.
She lives off of me, she is inseperable from me, and I am her source of sustenance, yet I often wonder if it is the other way around, and all this time, she is the one sustaining me.
January 5th, 2019: I was drinking a piña colada with dark ocean waves crashing nearby, slightly peeved because it was our special date and my boyfriend would not stop using his phone. He seemed to be in a different dimension. It went from that moment to being totally enveloped in surprise, ecstasy, and joy. He knelt down, everyone cheered and applauded, and I said yes. I swung my arms around his neck and didn't even look at the ring ´til 15 minutes later.
In between January and April, we began the construction of our house. When I came down in April, the foundation was built and it had walls, a roof, and six dogs living in it.
April 9th: had my hair and makeup done and my best friend accompanying me from Colorado. I was all dressed up in a white gown and had no shoes whatsoever planned for the moment so I slipped on what I had been wearing all day: brown sandals that I have always called my "Jesus shoes". In that outfit, I stood next to my fiancé, felt the weight of the moment upon my shoulders, and said "Acepto." That day, I became Mrs. Laíne.
We spent our first 19 days as man and wife in his bedroom at his parent's house. I do not regret that and have no bad memories surrounding the arrangement (though I do have some comical memories), but as a general rule of thumb I would not recommend it. As soon as I left, construction commenced on our house once more. It was completed in July and painted baby blue with white accents and sunflowers. My dream home.
Meanwhile, my summer in New York had its ups and downs. I struggled with knowing I was married but feeling like nothing had changed. I struggled with others who lived 24/7 with their loved ones, till I let go of that anger and began living much more abundantly by trusting that God orchestrates everyone's life differently and there is no reason mine ought to be like so-and-so's.
August 6th: I moved down to the Dominican Republic into my new home and finally spent the longest amount of consecutive time with my husband. We celebrated our birthdays together, learned how to run a small business, had a lot of fun despite some of the difficulties of adjusting to being physically together all the time, and said a sad yet hopeful "farewell" once again on October 31st.
The month of November: I lived with Colleen, my best friend and co-worker at Arnot. Met and cared for many incredible people, one of whom became like a father to me. Was able to wittness so many special moments, and so many hard moments too. Enjoyed the girl-time which helped ease my sorrow over not being with my husband. She and I did hilarious things, like get stuck in a snow drift at 4am on our way to the gym before work. Or stay up late laughing about some of the craziest things. I was reminded of how greatly I love my job, but worked so much overtime that I was exhausted when I left.
December 9th: I arrived in the Dominican Republic. Within my first few days of being there, I gave a presentation on the Role of the Family in the Prevention of Adolescent Pregnancy (as a final project for my community health nursing course). Despite everything going well, I felt disgruntled at first. Money was bothering me, our upcoming wedding celebration was taking a lot out of me and our truck was giving us problems. I learned to see money as a tool, understood what "enough" is and was grateful for what we have which cannot be taken away, nor bought with money.
December 9th-29th: I had a lot of fun celebrating Christmas, enjoyed the holiday season, baked a pumpkin pie (something no one down there had ever tried before) and taught them how to dispense whipped cream from the can. I learned how to dance Bachata and began experiencing the strangest mood swings I had ever known. For being with the person I most love and doing happy, non-stressful things, I felt so extremely depressed, stressed, and unhappy. It was not rare for me to break out into tears frequently. I told my Mom at one point how I was feeling and she said, "Sounds like me when I was first pregnant." My next period was a week and a half away. Figured I was in a funk and chalked pregnancy up to being impossible.
Text message to Holly on December 20th:
"I CANNOT BE PREGNANT. Not now."
Something inside me felt irked, so I eliminated the message and sent a new one:
"I am sure I am overreacting, but it just really is not the time for me to be pregnant, and besides, it would be impossible to be feeling something so early on. I must be PMSing."
December 30th: Went to Santo Domingo to see a car dealer. Every single thing about that morning and afternoon made me angry or want to cry. I could not figure myself out. I began to feel psychotic and wondered if a mental disorder was about to unveil itself within my mind. I said "sorry" continuously and was so scared.
5:00pm on December 30th, my husband was at the mechanic and I was home alone. I cried (I was extremely distressed and did not know why). I called a friend and had him take me to a nearby pharmacy where I bought two pregnancy tests. Felt dizzy. Got back home, shut myself in the bathroom and got one line.
Figured I must be turning into a sociopath.
But as I was cleaning up, the one line turned into two lines. I felt like the wind had been taken out of my lungs. Incredulous, I cried for two minutes, thanked Jesus, afterall--it was proof I was not losing my mind--collected myself and exited the bathroom. Don was downstairs so I texted him and told him to come up. I was so nervously fidgeting that I finally sat down and simply waited.
He saw me sitting at the table and sat next to me. I could not say a word, I simply burst into tears. After many unsuccessful attempts (and successfully scaring my husband), I finally spit it out and once he understood, he pulled me into a bear hug and began petting my hair, soothing me and saying,
"I am so happy, you don't know how much I wanted a baby." Joy seeped out of his voice, "This is the best way to end the year."
So that is why I never reflected on the year until now, because from that moment on, I entered a whole new world.
This world was scary at first. My emotions, though explained, continued to collide with everyday moments and make me uncomfortable. I had always wanted a child, but sometimes, when you receive the thing you have always wanted, you feel strange in having it and no longer yearning for it or dreaming about "one day when I am pregnant," because that one day is now.
I doubted my pregnancy for a good many weeks. In fact, it was not till I heard the heart beat, (despite day-long nausea, heart burn, and food aversions), that I finally believed. I had convinced my husband that the baby had passed away inside of me, even though there was no blood, no pain, I simply knew all the results on Google pointed to miscarriage (the mind does strange things). I laid there, looking up at the ceiling in that cramped, dimmed room, smiling: it is real. My baby's heart pounded with such strength, it seemed to defy me and all my fears, showing he or she existed whether or not I was ready for it. It demolished every shred of doubt that had crowded my mind.
We left the ultrasound room as transformed people. I nuzzled my head into Don Peter's chest and told him how happy I was. He was glowing so much he could have been our source of electricity for a whole day. I walked excitedly into my MIL's living room, pulling the photos out of the envelope and saying, "Mira nuestro bebé!"
****************************April 2020**********************
Since I wrote this way back in January, I had no idea what 2020 was going to hold. But neither had I known what 2019 was going to hold that ocean-filled night when I accepted Don Peter's proposal to a life together. Together right now looks different, but we are and will never stop fighting for this love. A love made so much stronger by the life we have made both literally and figuratively.
When I left him in February, a strange premonition haunted me, saying we would be apart much longer than we had expected. I chalked it up to anxiety and emotions, but looking back, I realized it prepared me in some ways. Yet without fail, our little one remains valiant, vigilant, intrepid, and determined. She won't stop moving or growing simply because everyone else has stopped life as we knew it to be. She continues to defy the system, continues to defy my fears and continues to surmount every obstacle that comes our way.
She lives off of me, she is inseperable from me, and I am her source of sustenance, yet I often wonder if it is the other way around, and all this time, she is the one sustaining me.
Loved reading your blog. Such raw expressions of your feelings. I have never met you but know Don Peter. the look on his face when he told me you were pregnant last March when I was in the DR!! He was so proud. I can telll how much he loves you when he speaks of you. So happy for you both. Lord willing I will some day get to meet you too and your blessed baby. Congratulations to you both.
ReplyDeleteThank you, Bonnie! I look foward to meeting you someday too. DOn Peter has told me about you and I can tell you are very important to him!
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