Why I Am Mountain.

     There's been a lot of change in my life recently. I do not speak of external changes, because from the exterior, much is the same. I speak of an internal re-wiring. A complex culmination of many separate paths intersecting and interweaving so as to rearrange and transform my life. A realization that my heart has been deceiving me for a while. I've had the wrong perspective towards many different areas of my life. I largely looked to myself as the Coordinator responsible for every fragment of this life. Living for God became elusive, things became relative, and I began to lose my perspective of grace and goodness. I would easily talk of this all-encompassing grace and the surpassing love of God and then go and live a story where neither existed. 

     I have had to face the truth that I am my harshest critic and that I've placed demands upon myself that no one should ever bear. I've thought I could perform and do more than I was created to do--I thought that because I could imagine it being done, or because someone somewhere else was able, I could do it just as well and it was okay. I lived paradoxes--wanting to live fully for God as I continued to live fully for myself. But living fully for my Lord could only come once I'd realized just how little I am in control of my life. I can't even control my breathing. Have you ever thought about that? How we seem to be so very independent and empowered in ourselves, yet when we go to bed at night we no longer consciously control our breathing and it just occurs--or doesn't occur--involuntarily? 

     Yet I tried to control it all. And by "all", I mean everything. I mean that the world would end when I could not conquer every situation. When I could not do my best, it was a failure. If I had set a goal to run 30 miles, made it to 29.90 miles and had to stop because of a muscle cramp, I would have considered myself a disappointment. The thoughts I would be thinking would probably be like this: "Forget the fact that I did run 29 miles, I didn't run .10 miles and therefore I am an utter letdown to mankind!" 

     It got even worse when others tried to tell me that it was okay, that they thought it was good enough or that I had done a great job. I beat myself up when there was one mistake...it was perfection or die. 

Or at least stress yourself out enough to "make up" for that one mistake. 

     God doesn't call us to be super-humans. Neither does He call us to be perfect. 

He calls us to trust in His superpower and He asks us to stand in His perfection.       That's all. 

     As you can imagine, this is just a snippet of things as they were, a small picture of the cosmic groaning inside each of us for deliverance from sin. I'm not saying that it was always this way. It was simply an undercurrent that consistently was running through the caverns of my soul and affected just about everything--yet it didn't come to surface for a while. So I had good days and I had bad days, because some days I did everything "perfectly," but more often than not, I didn't. The more I tried to be perfect, the more I had to isolate myself because it's always easier to be perfect without other people. I was still social with friends, yes, but not with family. And again, it wasn't glaringly obvious, it was a slowly growing and consuming change within me. 

     We've reached the point where the there's a fundamental shift--the friction between the underground tectonic plates releases the stored up earthquaking energy and it radiates seismic waves that drastically change everything. Now the story gets better. Because in Christ, it's always, always much better. 

     I'd say my life for the past few months was out of God's will--yet He was sovereign to protect and guide me continually towards His will each day. I made progress towards the goal of being in His will, but I'd have to say that I wasn't living out His will the way I was supposed to. Certain things in my life for my future have been falling into place, even while I remained stubborn to God's love, He never left me. Isn't that something? All the while, God was continually giving me His goodness and mercy, just hoping that I would stop and notice. It took a while, but I did. 

     There were a few people in my life that pointed it out to me. Dear reader, never underestimate the power of simply saying something. (Both for good and bad). In this case, it was hard, but it was for the good. Why was it hard? Because it's hard to face the fact that you just went through a few months of living for the very things you've always abhorred, and it's hard to realize that your life needs to make a 180º turn lest it get any worse. However, praise God for 180's! I was reeling towards a pit of darkness before, after that turn around, I was a facing the very mountain of God that had been watching over me the whole time. 

     The earthquake happened. The aftershocks where quick. And then, in the rubble, I found that I stood at the foot of the mountain of God, just as the Israelites had in Exodus--they stood and beheld, trembled and feared, for the Lord their God was on the mountain. Somewhat amazed and awestruck, I feel as if my life had just started. My heart resonated with Sara Groves in her song, "And I just showed up for my own life/And I'm standing here taking it all in and it sure looks bright." She goes on to say, "I'm going to feel all my emotions/I'm going to look you in the eyes/I'm going to listen and hear until it's finally clear and it changes our lives." That's how I felt. That's how I feel. I'm going to allow myself to listen and hear, and let it change my life. Listening to God and paying attention to what He says. Listening to others and understanding and accepting love. Trusting that I don't need to control and trusting that I'm not perfect. Once I realized how deep the Father's love for me is, and I realized that He is calling me to live a life full and overflowing for Him, calling me for something far greater than I can imagine, something greater than this world has to offer. So now, what I used to live for, I no longer value. I put it behind me, I learn from it, and I go onward towards that mountain. 

     I am weak. On my own, I can do no good. Not any amount of my own efforts will produce any good. 

     Realizing how unable I am has enabled me to claim this: that I am mountain. With God, I am empowered, strong, and mighty, a Mt. Everest of potential. I will live a life that is filled by letting go. Because once I realize that all things are controlled by my Father, and that I can let go of control, then all things begin to work together for my good and each circumstance in my life is direct delivery from the Redeemer of time. In my weakness, He is strong. I have nothing but God, and He possesses everything, so I can therefore do anything in His will and grace. Why should I not believe this? He is after all the God who moves mountains!

     One week ago today, joy reentered my bleak atmosphere. A canvas of gray and whites was filled with color that surpasses description and every molecule of paint works towards revealing the goodness of God and His mercy. With joy, came laughter. With laughter came love. And since then I've not been the same. 

     New Years was on Wednesday, but I felt like I'd already made a good amount of changes...my New Year, my New Life, started a few days prior. I suppose I jumped the gun a little. You see, I think it's great that we have a fixed time to reflect and restart, but in Christ, our newness begins now, everyday. If you missed the "new year turnover" because you were sick, tired or "uninspired," then you missed the point. We as believers have new mercies every morning and God works in our hearts to renew them and draw us closer to Him. His mercy is chasing you and you have the opportunity to let go of everything and just begin again in Christ. 

     We make mistakes, we have successes. We feel immortal yet we're just dust. I suppose that on God's mountain, I'm really nothing more than a few snowflakes on one of the peaks, but at least I'm there. Maybe I'll melt and be a part of a waterfall that leaps down to joyfully give itself to others and water dry lands. Or maybe I'll evaporate into a cloud that visits parched places, gives shade and coolness, or more snow. Wherever, however, whenever, it is good just to abide in knowing that I don't have to worry about it. 

    So, to wrap this all up, I chose I Am Mountain as my new title (the old one being Trusting Weary for any new readers), because though Trusting is a huge part of the renewing process, I think that God enables us to be more than just the trusting weary, I believe He gives us the renewal and restoration that we need in His presence to go out as a beautiful fragrance for Christ. Yes, somedays we'll be weary, and there's beauty in trusting that we can only do so much, but I feel that my life has taken a different turn now--the season of learning to be reliant upon God while I am weary has been very rich and sweet to me, but now I look forward to rely on God as I "...go out in joy and [am] led forth in peace.." and as I go, "the mountains and the hills before [me] shall break forth into singing, and all the trees of the field shall clap their hands." I can do nothing on my own, but I am empowered in His mercy and I am triumphant in His victory over sin. I am mountain. 

P.S. I Am Mountain is a song by Gungor, and it is part of the inspiration behind all of this. The chorus is as follows: 

I am mountain, I am dust

Constellations made of us
There’s glory in the dirt
A universe within the sand
Eternity within a man

     On Gungor's official website, they wrote a short explanation on their intended meaning behind the song. I believe it sums up the struggles and triumphs of our life as Christ's possession and how it is that we make the choice of how we're going to live this abundant life that Christ has given us. Will we live for all that we are called for--something more than what this world offers? And will we claim our part as more than conquerers through Christ's love? Below is a part of what they wrote and I believe that it adequately brings this post to a close as it throws open the door to a future of victory in Jesus. 

"We may be oceans of complex mystery, but we are also as fragile and temporary as mist. We have these brilliant minds that allow us to speak and think and have consciousness, yet we often use these gifts so foolishly. We love and then destroy that which we love. The complexity of this skin that meets soul creates a dissonance within life’s very fabric.

“As the light, light, lights up the skies, up the skies
We will fight, fight, fight for our lives, for our lives”

Living in the beauty rather than the chaos is going to be a fight. 

Enlightenment and wisdom rarely come easily. But fighting to see that light that makes the world shimmer is worth the effort. 

The chorus has this big, communal wordless cry that to me feels something like the aforementioned fight. We are all in this existence thing together. It’s big and its complex and we are all deeply connected within the same story, the same fight. 

On some days, the world shimmers. On some days, our metaphors lose all their meaning, and the world saps the life out of us. At the end of the day, it’s all part of life. How are you going to live it? In fear or in love? With violent, clenched fists or with open hands?

“Momentary carbon stories from the ashes, filled with holy ghost
Life is here now, breathe it all in
Let it all go
You are earth and wind”